Not because it wasn’t well-intentioned, but because of how it’s played out in practice. 

We have swung the pendulum so far in the opposite direction that people no longer see authority figures as humans. And how can you blame them when for so long authority figures never got to really know and see the humanity under their leadership?

In the world 2022, the term can be used to weaponize a lack of humanity for the sake of legality. It is driven more by fear than pragmatism. The term was coined in hopes that people would check their personal biases and be able to make tough decisions with anything influencing their choices. Ironically, if you are worried about playing favorites you probably aren’t going to be the one playing favorites. But here’s the hard reality – you will always have personal biases you need to check and putting too much distance between you and your people will not change that.

You can have empathy without enmeshment. You can recognize the time and place for different conversations at different levels of relationships. You can have space as a leader from your work life. 

But you can no longer use the idea of professional distance to not show up as your fully integrated and authentic self. People deserve your humanity. People are thirsty for it. It is not an excuse to shy away from the difficult and messy conversations we need to have in order to move forward as a collective society. It is not an excuse to play it safe because we are scared. Vulnerability is scary and risky and leaves you open for personal attack, but nothing of value was ever accomplished without great personal risk. You cannot lead what you are not willing to fully invest in.

You can only have one set of values.

And when people are one of those values, you cannot go wrong.

It really makes you think about what actually constitutes an “emergency.” Unless you are quite literally a first responder, you realize there are very few things in life that are actually an emergency. But we don’t treat work situations that way do we?

Recently, a fire alarm went off in a building with some of my employees. I ran out of my office and met several my colleagues, both leads and managers, at the location. Everyone had calmly evacuated by the time we arrived. 

There clearly was no fire. 

A fan blowing dust in the direction of one of the detectors had someone caused it to trigger. 

But it made me stop and think how we react when something that is labeled “alarming” comes to light. As leaders we can cause panic by how we react. 

We also can unintentionally waste our own time and resources by running toward something “alarming” that may be nothing at all. Sometimes the sense of concern is true and sometimes react that way because we think we should. We want others to see us “doing something.” Then we find out that the root of the problem was not near as complicated as we all thought.

Journal Prompt: When was the last time you overacted to something? Why did you read that way? Get curious about the feelings you had. What did that situation teach you? 

You come in, often times very timid, and not only are you learning the actual rules to a location, but the unspoken ones as well. You’re trying to navigate the culture and not make too many mistakes of any kind – ones that could get you fired or ones that could get you shunned. But then over time you learn. You get comfortable and then you become the veteran. 

And then something very naturally follows: You start taking ownership. 

You know all the actual rules and the unspoken ones. You hold your head higher as you walk into the room. You care deeply and have opinions about how things should take place in said space and you probably make those ideas known. If you have any sort of leadership responsibility you may be even the one to make it happen. And now you see all the new kids walking in scared and uncertain. 

The question is who are you going to be? Regina George or Elle Woods? 

Here is what I mean by that. Once we start to take ownership of a space we will naturally become gate keepers to that space. And I think there are two kinds of gatekeepers: the Mean Girls and the Welcome Wagon. 

The Welcome Wagon is the veteran that sees the new kid and takes the initiative to introduce themselves and starts showing them the rope. They use their own story to show them what is possible and aim to make sure they learn from your mistakes. They make sure everyone can rise to the occasion and meet whatever standard set forth. The Welcome Wagon, or the Elle Woods of the world, says “I went through this so now it’s my job to make sure you don’t have to.” 

But then there is the Mean Girl. The Regina George of the space sees anyone new as competition and they must be sized up. At best they won’t intervene to help and at worst they were purposely try to intimidate or bully anyone new. The new kid is forced to prove they actually “belong” before getting treated like part of the space. In their mind “they went through it so you should too.” 

In both cases, each party cares and simply wants to protect the space they occupy. As leaders we spend too much time trying to manufacture this concept of ownership when in reality I believe it is inevitable over time. What we need to focus on is shaping what the gate keepers are doing. 

How do you make sure their actions help and not hurt; build up instead of tear down?

First and foremost, you have to actually give them power to do so or they will end up taking it for themselves. People need to feel valued so if you won’t assign value to them, they will find a way to create it on their own. Think about the unspoken social structure of high school. 

I’ve seen what happens when leadership acknowledges, involves and even asks veteran to step up to the plate. And what happens when those same people are ignored by their leadership. 

In the first scenario there is voluntary and intentional transfer of power. Leadership says “we value you and we recognize your influence.” This will help keep the culture of the space intact even when you aren’t around. 

When power is not intentionally shared it is then seen as scarce and people will do whatever it takes to hold onto the little perceived power they have. And that is how you get clicks of bullies – the literal “Mean Girls” of your space. The hurt that comes from not being included or recognized by leadership is real and people will do what it takes to protect themselves and try to mend it. 

Either you share your power and influence or others will take it and hoard it. You create space for your veterans and your veterans will create space for your new comers. Constantly leave out your veterans and they will purposely try to socially leave out anyone who enters into “their” space. 

And that’s just toxic.

The old saying that “absolute power corrupts absolutely” rings true. If you don’t strive to empower you will eventually lose your power over the culture. Absolutely. 

Why? 

Because we’ve all learned that when it comes to growth we know it only comes at the point of failure. We’ve all learned to be disciplined enough to push ourselves to the point of failure and then move that point farther and farther. 

In our world, if you aren’t failing then you aren’t working hard enough. 

The rest of the world still struggles with the idea of failure. We publicly praise the past failures of already successful people will privately ridiculing ourselves and, sometimes even our other employees, in private. In a really toxic culture that may include public ridicule. I hear many leaders tell their employees to not be afraid to fail. But considering the current culture can you blame them for still being hesitant? The problem is if you don’t push what you can handle as an employee, even to the point of potential failure, you won’t grow in that regard either. 

So as a leader, how do you convince your employees that not only is actually okay to fail, at times it is even necessary? 

There is one key ingredient: Trust.

I kept looking at the video of my friend’s spectacular fail and wondered what made him so comfortable taking that risk? What makes ME comfortable taking such a risk when it’s my turn? 

The fact is we all trust our trainer to have our back even if we don’t trust our own body to come through. And we can do that because he’s proven time and time again that if we just trust him, we’ll be okay. We won’t get hurt and we will get stronger in the long run. 

And that’s the key difference between the gym world and the corporate world. The corporate world sometimes asks people to fail without building and proving trust first. 

The second layer is developing your people enough that they can trust themselves. Every line of work has a certain technique and general mechanics. When you “know your stuff” you can trust yourself in really hard situations. And when you can extend that trust to your leader even when you are unsure of yourself, then you can handle even harder situations. 

If you’ve ever worked with a personal trainer or coach for a sport you know there is a great deal of time spent focusing on basic technique. But raise your hand if you’ve ever been in a corporate environment and thrown in with very little training. You’re having to think and rethink every move and every decision. It’s hard to trust yourself. As leaders, if you don’t take time truly develop your people’s skills and instill confidence in them they will never get to the point in their careers where certain basic skills are muscle memory. 

And it’s that simple. 

If you want to put your (often literal) money where your mouth is when it comes to failure make sure you’ve invested in your folks enough so they trust themselves and make sure you are proven trustworthy as well. 

Then step back and watch the growth. 

It was really hard not just because you were a beginner, but because you probably had never thought to identify yourself with that new skill/job/hobby/art form. As humans we love to categorize things to help sort information, but sometimes we categorize ourselves into a corner. 

“I’m not a [fill in the blank] so I could never [fill in the blank]” 

But you want to do the New Thing so you eventually work up the courage, read a book like Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Big Magic” and then get to work. You’re probably really proud of yourself for even having the gumption to be a beginner again and find or create a new part of yourself. And I’m sure many of your inner circle cheer you in the process with the familiar adage of “you can be anything you want to be!” 

But I’m sure a few jealous acquaintances look at you and go “Why is she doing [fill in the blank]? She’s not a [fill in the blank]! She should stay in her own lane.” 

And it hurts. 

It hurts to have your work ignored or negated. It hurts that people can’t see past the surface. It hurts that they can’t seem to accept and embrace all parts of the new you. Now there could be many reasons why they have that reaction much of which is rooted in their own insecurity. But it is also just a sad symptom of a society that likes to put things, and people, into neat little categories. 

But once upon a time Leonardo Da Vinci was praised for being a Renaissance Man and in the not too distant future I think we will see a time where the exploration of multiple studies and art forms by a single person is the norm. The Age of Specialization is nearing an end and I hope it is a replaced by the Age of Well Roundedness. 

This is why I get increasingly annoyed with folks who see athletes or actors who use their platform to raise awareness or funds for certain causes. They start businesses and promote other people and ideals they believe in and there is always a group of people that bully them to “stay in their lane.” The truth is you can’t tell Chris Evans or Lebron James to stay in their own lane then support your friend’s new interest and endeavors. They have already heard your words or read them online. Any support you give rings hallow. You also can’t get upset if you decide to try delve into something new and people look down on you. You did the same thing to them. 

If you want the opportunity to try new things and have people’s full support then you need to give it first and foremost to anyone you see genuinely trying whether they are a famous far away person or your next-door neighbor. I think the world would be a much better place if we were much more willing to explore and learn and grow and fail without the constriction of categories. 

Don’t put yourself in a category and don’t be so quick to put others in one as well. Leave room for change and growth and multiple layers. 

Change lanes as much as you like.