Remember being the new kid just about anywhere?
You come in, often times very timid, and not only are you learning the actual rules to a location, but the unspoken ones as well. You’re trying to navigate the culture and not make too many mistakes of any kind – ones that could get you fired or ones that could get you shunned. But then over time you learn. You get comfortable and then you become the veteran.
And then something very naturally follows: You start taking ownership.
You know all the actual rules and the unspoken ones. You hold your head higher as you walk into the room. You care deeply and have opinions about how things should take place in said space and you probably make those ideas known. If you have any sort of leadership responsibility you may be even the one to make it happen. And now you see all the new kids walking in scared and uncertain.
The question is who are you going to be? Regina George or Elle Woods?
Here is what I mean by that. Once we start to take ownership of a space we will naturally become gate keepers to that space. And I think there are two kinds of gatekeepers: the Mean Girls and the Welcome Wagon.
The Welcome Wagon is the veteran that sees the new kid and takes the initiative to introduce themselves and starts showing them the rope. They use their own story to show them what is possible and aim to make sure they learn from your mistakes. They make sure everyone can rise to the occasion and meet whatever standard set forth. The Welcome Wagon, or the Elle Woods of the world, says “I went through this so now it’s my job to make sure you don’t have to.”
But then there is the Mean Girl. The Regina George of the space sees anyone new as competition and they must be sized up. At best they won’t intervene to help and at worst they were purposely try to intimidate or bully anyone new. The new kid is forced to prove they actually “belong” before getting treated like part of the space. In their mind “they went through it so you should too.”
In both cases, each party cares and simply wants to protect the space they occupy. As leaders we spend too much time trying to manufacture this concept of ownership when in reality I believe it is inevitable over time. What we need to focus on is shaping what the gate keepers are doing.
How do you make sure their actions help and not hurt; build up instead of tear down?
First and foremost, you have to actually give them power to do so or they will end up taking it for themselves. People need to feel valued so if you won’t assign value to them, they will find a way to create it on their own. Think about the unspoken social structure of high school.
I’ve seen what happens when leadership acknowledges, involves and even asks veteran to step up to the plate. And what happens when those same people are ignored by their leadership.
In the first scenario there is voluntary and intentional transfer of power. Leadership says “we value you and we recognize your influence.” This will help keep the culture of the space intact even when you aren’t around.
When power is not intentionally shared it is then seen as scarce and people will do whatever it takes to hold onto the little perceived power they have. And that is how you get clicks of bullies – the literal “Mean Girls” of your space. The hurt that comes from not being included or recognized by leadership is real and people will do what it takes to protect themselves and try to mend it.
Either you share your power and influence or others will take it and hoard it. You create space for your veterans and your veterans will create space for your new comers. Constantly leave out your veterans and they will purposely try to socially leave out anyone who enters into “their” space.
And that’s just toxic.
The old saying that “absolute power corrupts absolutely” rings true. If you don’t strive to empower you will eventually lose your power over the culture. Absolutely.